I write her name with a permanent black sharpie inside the back of her shirts, like preparing to send a child off to summer camp I wish she was going there, and run in the woods, giggling as she jumps into a big blue lake, her curly blond hair blowing in the wind, surrounded by laughing children, singing and playing , She tries to plays bingo now, which she had always hated and listens to the Salvation Army sing hymns when they visit on Sundays.She finds them strangely comforting. She imagines screams in the night, fights in the hall, the building coming apart...... I hold her cold bony hands , she is always cold now They roll her, change her diaper,her sagging empty skin, once full and powerful, now cleaned, wiped, powdered. She sits in a wheelchair and looks out at the trees, not quite sure where she is, but she still enjoys the sunshine on her face no lake, no laughter, no running, no more projects, plans, trips, or workshops No more looking, or the ultimate experience, or the next new thing to try Or wondering why she never found Love,which was abandoned a very long time ago. I need some money, I need to go shopping, maybe I'll steal a car, or hitchhike. Okay you do that, not knowing what else to say, tired of trying to explain, changing the subject, evading, lying. I want to walk , Why can't I live with you, I won't be a bother, why can't I remember, lies, yes many lies . I write her name it is the easiest part of taking care of her

I would write on all the bricks "I miss you" and hope that 1 falls on your head So you know how it hurts to miss someone special like you. always you going to live in my heart geraldine "my zuzu"